A Weekend with TAPS: June 2006



Day One: 02 Jun 2006
- Day Two: 03 Jun 2006 - Day Three: 04 Jun 2006




Day One: 02 Jun 2006

This particular discussion on the weekend with TAPS in Warwick, RI will cover my personal reaction to certain events. The podcast version is going to be about the event itself and a bit of evidence review/commentary. (Yes, there was evidence, though I have my “Scully” hat firmly in hand at that point!) Anyway, here’s the story from Friday, 02 Jun 2006.

I arrived in Warwick around 2PM, which was a little early for check-in at the hotel. I was planning to see “X3” if I had the time, so I decided that I would take in a little RI scenery while I was in the area. Keep in mind for a moment that I’m a New Jersey resident and live within a stone’s throw of one of the worst possible traffic situations I’ve ever seen. So when I say that I got myself turned around in circles in the middle of Warwick, I’m not kidding around. There are some seriously confusing traffic patterns in that town!

I wound up driving through Warwich, Greenwich, and who knows where. I think I figured out that I drove through about 1/4 of the state within the space of an hour or so! In the end, I had the most trouble getting back to the hotel, because of the crazy circular traffic pattern in the middle of town. Here’s the irony: I was so intent on getting back to the right road that I completely missed the fact that I was driving past the TAPS office time and time again!

I finally gave up on seeing the movie (that will be relevant, I promise), and went back to the hotel. Let me give you the general setup. The hotel is roughly 5 floors, with the ground floor on the main entrance being “1”. There are three floors above that, “2” through “4”. The basement is “5”. That alone should paint a picture. It was a lot of fun to hear people get confused by the labels in the elevator. Speaking of the elevator, that thing was scarier than any paranormal activity could ever be. I quickly learned to take the stairs!

I spent a few hours in my hotel room, wondering what the weekend would be like. I’ll be honest on this. I had traded E-mails here and there with Paula, and I was really interested in meeting her face-to-face to see if she was really that cool. Everyone who reads my reviews knows what I think of Paula, and over E-mail, she seemed even more intelligent and engaging in the real (non-TV) world. Why not find out for myself, during an event designed for that purpose?

I also mentioned to a few people in recent weeks that I thought some comments about Steve were unfair. Some people think he’s a jerk, but they were reacting to a TV version of reality (re: deceptive). I wanted to see for myself if he was dismissive and arrogant or simply reserved. As someone who finds it very hard to relax in large crowds (especially this kind of situation), I could relate to the idea of not being particularly extroverted.

At the same time, I wasn’t expecting to get to know them very well or spend any significant amount of time with either of them. After all, there were 60+ people, and all of them were potentially as intrigued and fascinated as I was. I was resigned to the fact that I would be better served by finding a few people to hang out with and compare notes/experiences.

After dinner in my room, I went down to the small common area to see who would show up. Very quickly I met Dawn from California, who was very outgoing, and Matt, who belongs to a group in Massachusetts. We had the chance to talk, and both had very distinct points of view. Dawn was eager to get a group together herself, and was looking forward to trying out her equipment during the weekend. Matt also had a lot of equipment, and enjoyed discussing specific experiences and evidence. I wound up spending more time with Dawn, which was a lot of fun, though I plan on contacting Matt in the future to compare notes and perhaps work together here and there.

I met a lot of people over the course of the early evening. Forgive me if I can’t remember the names very well; I remember faces far better! I can remember a few of them offhand, based on the amount of time I spent with them: Tracy from NC (who I swear looks incredibly familiar, though I can’t figure out why), Dana from Maryland, and Dave. I think everyone remembers Dave. At any rate, I also spoke with about a dozen other people that I can picture in my mind very distinctly, but like a fool, I didn’t write anything down. (Bad engineer!)

We went over to a nearby hotel where they had more space around 8PM, after meeting Dave from Darkness on the Edge of Town radio. Dave’s an awesome guy, and he was very interested in meeting everyone and ensuring that they had a good time. As everyone was gathering to listen to Keith and Carl Johnson give their talk on different types of hauntings, local “vampire” lore”, and some examples of EVPs, we were in for the first shock of the night.

First, Paula came around, and I was surprised at how quickly I recognized her. Remember, it’s been several months since she was on the show! Right behind her were Donna (who was absolutely gorgeous and very friendly) and Jason (who looked like he was having a blast). Now, I know they said some special guests would be around, but I never considered it would be Jason or Grant. But I underestimated how devoted they are to the fans.

I didn’t have a camera, and frankly, I have a problem with running up to recognizable people, even when they are there for that very purpose. So I waited until everyone else was done and the discussion was about to begin to say hello. I told Jason that I enjoyed the show and appreciated his work, shook his hand, and then introduced myself to Paula. Unfortunately, I was so nervous that I never mentioned why she should know who I was!

That bears explaining, so here’s a short tangent. I’ve been writing reviews for “Ghost Hunters” since the beginning of the second season. Shortly after Paula’s first appearance, out of the blue, she sent me a message saying how much she appreciated my comments about her scientific methods. I was, as you might guess, stunned that anyone on the show would have read the reviews. I was more stunned when it progressed into sporadic communication. Eventually I joined MySpace because it was the easiest way to keep up. Since then, of course, I’ve “friended” most of the team.

Without that contact, I never would have dreamed of bothering them or imagined that they would read my reviews. Little did I know! I’ve actually had clients of theirs from episodes write me to tell me they read the reviews and appreciated my comments. Had it gone only that far, I would have been amazed enough. But around the same time, Paula sent out a bulletin about the weekend retreat in Warwick, and I knew I had to take the chance.

So what do I do? I forget to tell Paula who I was, and why I would make a point to introduce myself. She probably thought I was nuts! Once the discussion started, however, I was more interested in what they were saying. Keith and Carl are great, and I could listen to them talk for hours. They broke down some of the different elements of each “type” of haunting, and they clarified a few things that made me less wary of the terms they chose to employ.

From a personal perspective, their talk on demonic hauntings (used as a term for hostile intelligent entities with apparent inhuman qualities) was very telling. I had an encounter about 15 years ago (damn, that long?) that fits the description perfectly, which was a little surprising. I never did get the chance to talk to Keith and Carl about it, since it’s a bit of a story, but I hope to do so in the near future. (I won’t get into the story now, either; it’s not something I’ve talked about in years and I’d rather not air it at the moment.)

I could have done without the “vampire” lore, but it was instructive from a debunking point of view. A lot of the information was all about the connections between victims of consumption and folklore/beliefs of the time. That part was intriguing, since it tickled the writing gene in my genetic code. But it also took time away from the EVP portion of the discussion, which I really wanted to hear. I’m fascinated by EVPs, especially from the scientific perspective. They sometimes defy simple explanation, and I’ve heard some very good ones over the past few years. (My wife knows all too well that my interest goes back at least 10 years; I used to keep her up at night after listening to and analyzing audio files over the internet!)

After the discussion, we returned to our hotel. Donna, Steve, Paula, and Jason had set up for pictures and autographs, which was very cool. I grabbed my (disposable) camera from my room, made sure I had money for a magazine or headshot, and got in line. At that point, I was way at the end, basically in the lobby. So I was in the right spot for the second shock of the evening.

I’m waiting in line, and turn towards the front door just as Grant and his wife walk in. Grant was immediately stepping up to people and saying hello, a huge smile on his face. He looked like he was thrilled to be there, and that he couldn’t wait to meet everyone. Of course, he was quickly mobbed, but the fans were actually very respectful of his space and his wife. So my first picture, I believe, was with Grant. He asked me where I had come from and was surprised to know that I lived in NJ, very close to a couple of locations on the show and where Dave Tango lives. (I once lived a few blocks from Domani’s, where I’ve eaten a couple of times, and Tango lives only a couple miles away.)

After that, I finally got to the others at the tables, where I quickly snatched up a copy of TAPS Paramagazine for most of the team autographs and a headshot for Paula (which is gorgeous, I tell ya!). Donna was very gracious, and Steve was very quiet. Then I got to Paula, and knew I’d better tell her who I was before getting that autograph! Her reaction was very gracious and she wrote a nice personal message on the headshot (I might try to scan it if I get the chance, before it gets framed). Then I got Jason’s autograph and got a picture with the gang.

I figured that was the end of that, so I took my stuff up to the room after taking a few more random shots. Once I came back down, the signing was pretty much done, and I figured most of them would leave at that point. However, that was not the case. Keith and Carl came by, and it became a huge informal gathering. The TAPS members (Jason, Grant, Donna, Steve, Paula, Keith, and Carl) were all hanging out and talking with the group.

At one point, Paula came over to talk, which surprised me a lot. Remember, at this point, I had no idea what to expect, and I was a little overwhelmed. Rather quickly, she mentioned that she wanted to take me around and tell everyone that I was the “guy who writes the great reviews”, and that she definitely wanted to listen to my podcast. Take a moment to imagine my shock. I mean, here I am, meeting these people who have a TV show and are recognized by millions, and one of them wants to make sure the team knows who I am and where I “fit in”, and listen to my crappy audio production. I’m lucky I didn’t pass out. (The epiphany came later.)

I know Paula took me around to talk to Steve, and he was very nice about it. He seemed interested in what I had been saying, but we’ll see where that goes. After which Paula was searching for Jason and Grant to tell them, which unfortunately didn’t happen, since things were a little crazy and I was too damn stupid to follow through. But on the way back to my room for my camera, Paula grabbed me to tell Donna who I was. I barely remember the conversation. Seriously. Donna did this little smile and wink thing, and I’m pretty sure I experienced lost time.

Now, I’m still fighting with myself to stop thinking that Steve and Donna were just being nice. The cynical side of my nature keeps telling me that they were doing exactly what they were there to do: make nice. But there’s another side of me that remembers, despite the stars floating in front of my eyes, that I’m usually a very good judge of people. They sounded genuine, and until proven otherwise, I’m taking that at face value. And the rest of the retreat definitely suggests that I should.

The TAPS members stayed up with us until about 2AM. Jason and Grant had to leave, because they were driving out the next morning (Grant and I talked about it briefly). Oh, and where does “X3” come in? That’s where Grant and his wife were before coming to meet the fans. So when I mentioned looking for a movie theatre? “Oh, it’s just an exit down 95! Why didn’t you ask the guy here at the hotel?” (Insert head-against-wall here.) Nothing like looking like an idiot when you’re a freakin’ engineer with double degrees!

Once things settled down, Carl sat down with a few of us and talked about his thoughts on how Brian was portrayed on the show and how he’s been. It was an interesting perspective on something I knew to be the case, but didn’t realize the extent: the editing and rearrangement of events can be harsh. It was acknowledged that Brian has his issues, but now I have a far better understanding.

Shortly after the TAPS member left for the night, a few of us went out to a local diner. It was mostly a few fans and Dave, Tim, and Robyn from Darkness on the Edge of Town. CJ, the medium that was there for the weekend and giving readings, also came out with us. I got the chance to ask if they have a promo for the radio show, because I wanted to highlight their involvement with the weekend on my podcast. They were willing to help out, and more than that, they wanted to mention the podcast on the radio show once the “Ghost Hunters”/TAPS retreat episode was uploaded. I was, once again, stunned.

So after starting the weekend off thinking I would get perhaps a few minutes here or there with Paula or Steve, and maybe a picture if I was lucky, I found myself hanging out with most of the team and getting introduced to people as if I was important. And the hosts for the weekend were talking cross-promotion. Emotions were definitely running high!


Day Two: 03 Jun 2006

TAPS Headquarters

I slept in the next morning until around 10AM, so by the time I got downstairs, Paula and Steve were already leaving for the TAPS headquarters. They were both friendly to those hanging out in the lobby (where people were “talking shop”). To be honest, that time flew by. I remember talking a lot with Tracy from NC and Robyn, but I was otherwise distracted. And to be honest, I was wondering whether or not the investigation would be a disappointing end to the weekend, since I didn’t have high hopes.

The hotel was supposed to have two possible ghosts. One was a man who committed suicide and yelled at people without making a sound, and the other was a young woman who killed herself. No one could pin down more than the fact that the two supposed spirits were on the 3rd floor and the basement (“5th”) floor. Unfortunately, the hotel wasn’t just us, so they couldn’t very well shut the place down, turn out the lights, and let us have free reign. We could only get the two floors to investigate, and even then, it would be 60+ people crawling over a relatively small space.

So the real goal was to make the most of the rest of the day. I wound up in the first group to go over to TAPS HQ, which is when I realized that I had been right there several times the day before! But in my defense, it’s very easy to miss. It’s incredibly small, and when you get inside, it feels even smaller. I quickly realized how the production company made it seem bigger, but it was interesting to see the place first-hand.

Paula and Steve were there, as well as Brian, Dustin, and Mike Dion (who looks like an Australian to me, for some bizarre reason). Brian was very attentive to the fans. Dustin was also very cool, though of course, I left him to the ladies! Paula took a few moments to talk to me and see how I was doing, which was (again) a little surprising. I must have seemed like such an introvert! The typical bookish nerd, more comfortable behind the screen and with his words than around real people!

After the tour, I took an hour or so to record the podcast for this week (call it an early chance for EVPs!), and then I went downstairs to wait for the call to dinner. Paula was hanging out with a few people, and when I tried to hang back, she wouldn’t hear of it. We talked here and there, and she even asked about what was going on at work. I was stunned once again when she remembered details of an E-mail I sent months ago!

Dinner at Bugaboo’s

Dave got everyone together for dinner, and he drew tickets to see who was a lock to sit with the TAPS members likely to be there. There were only 4-5 seats per table, so it was going to be a mad dash otherwise. I didn’t get picked, so I figured I would find a nice quiet table and go from there. However, it didn’t quite turn out that way. I was near the front of the line going into the restaurant (Bugaboo’s Steak, which had excellent food), and some people grabbed tables together, leaving a relatively small group looking for open spaces.

Long story short, Dave turns to the front of the line and says, “First come, first serve”, which was all I needed. I walked right over to Paula’s table and took a seat. For whatever reason, the guy who had the right to sit next to her didn’t care to, so I lucked out even more. It was a great chance to get to know everyone a bit better. I did my very best not to monopolize conversation (really, I did!)! I did get to talk to Paula about a few things here and there, but I’m not sure if it was “for public consumption”, so I won’t get into it. (Nothing bad, just details that might not be my place to discuss openly.) But I can say she shared her dessert with us!

Personal side note: Paula noticed that I was picking at my food, which was beer-battered fish-n-chips. What I didn’t want to get into (precisely because this weekend wasn’t about me) was the fact that I have suffered from food allergies and sensitivities all my life, and going out to eat can be a dicey proposition (nothing deadly, but it can be severe). That was the first time in 20 years that I had eaten fish. How awkward would it have been to bring that whole conversation up? But the hell if I was going to be a problem customer or miss out on that experience!

We gathered shortly after dinner to begin the investigation process. Grant was nice enough to come back to the hotel for a little while to meet with all of us again and wish us well. The investigation was conducted in three phases: a lecture with Keith and Carl in the small dining area, the third floor, and the basement. We split into three groups of about 20 people. This was around 8PM, and since it was still somewhat light out (despite the gloomy weather), I elected to stay behind with Dawn and Dana to attend the lecture portion.

The lecture consisted of more banter with Keith and Carl (always worth the time), covering the EVPs and video footage that they couldn’t get to the night before. They talked about their own group (N.E.A.R.: www.nearparanormal.com), and invited the attendees to forward evidence collected for analysis. They seemed quite sincere about working together and helping those starting in the field. (I have some audio of Carl talking, which I will probably sample in the podcast.)

The Investigation

Around 9:45PM, we switched and our group went up to the third floor with Paula. She spent a little while talking about the limitations of using a cheap single-axis EMF detector, which might not have been particularly interesting to everyone in the group, but I was quite entertained. I really, really believe her when she says that she could go on for hours about the subject! We were able to go into the room in question on the third floor in small groups, while everyone else did their own thing in the hallway. I took the time and opportunity to do some recording in my hotel room, and then Dawn, Dana, and I did a session in Dawn’s room after we were in the “haunted” room. (Nothing terribly interesting seemed to happen, but more on that near the end.)

Part of the problem on the third floor was the incredibly loud ice machine and the number of people just walking up and down the hallway. The audio from my room was fairly ruined by the noise outside (I was close to the ice machine), and when we did the work in Dawn’s room, the noise outside the door and her window made that a tough room. My audio from the “haunted” room itself was completely clean. But frankly, under the circumstances, that’s what I expected.

Around 11:15PM, we went down into the basement. Because there were less rooms and no windows on the ends of the hallway, it was a lot darker. That suited me fine, since I like nothing better than sitting in the dark and letting things happen (boy, would that sound wrong in any other context!). Steve split us into three groups, with two groups on each end of the hall and one group in the room.

We started on the far end of the hall, where a room was unoccupied. So we got to spread out a little more. Here was a chance for a little quick debunking. Our group was catching an odd EMF reading, and one of the women (Heather, I think?) was getting an odd sensation. Of course, everyone with EMF detectors started checking the area, and they were going off like crazy. It didn’t take me long to realize that the readings were strongest along the seam of the floor and wall. Sure enough, there was a high EMF reading all along the seam. Electrical wires in the wall framing for the electrical sockets! But that clarified for Heather and the rest of the group that her location was unusual. (No audio evidence on my recorder, though.)

Next, we switched to the other end of the hallway. A lot less seemed to happen, and we couldn’t explore the room on that end, as it was occupied. All the while, we were attempting to draw out and provoke the supposed male spirit that had been sighted in the hallway and room. Beyond confirming that the wires ran all the way down that wall for the length of the hall, there seemed to be nothing noteworthy.

We ended the night in the room itself. Most of our group went into room proper, while I volunteered for the bathroom area, where there was a lot less light. I placed my recorder on the sink near the wall, and then set up where I could see the room and the bathroom at the same time (line of sight to anything between the group and the door). We were there for 15 minutes or so, once again trying to provoke a response, before Steve came to get us.

After it was all over, we returned to the lobby around 12:45AM to discuss what we had done and compare notes. I wasn’t particularly surprised to discover that many people hadn’t found anything of interest, and had chosen to retire. I was a lot more surprised to discover that there were, in fact, personal experiences. It seems that one of the women in another group in the basement had been touched by something in effectively the same spot that Heather experienced her odd sensations.


Day Three: 04 Jun 2006

The Initial Analysis

Following the investigation, there was the usual flurry of camcorder footage, audio cranked up to the max, and personal experiences described in hurried tones. One notable piece of evidence came from the third floor, where our group got very little of note. There seemed to be an EVP of a man’s voice saying “help me”, which didn’t make sense, given that the third floor was supposed to have the female spirit.

Paula told everyone about the experiences of the final group to investigate the third floor. Apparently a few people needed to leave the room after feeling a pressure on their chest, making them cough and feel choked. I was somewhat surprised by this, because one of the people in the room with me was coughing during our session (it’s on my audio, though nothing else is). Many people had also recorded possible mist in the hallway, all independently of one another. Paula found the correlations interesting because people who had no contact between sessions in the room had the same experiences.

Still, it wasn’t much, and the personal experiences were more of a signal that there was more to investigate than anything conclusive in and of itself. The post-investigation discussion turned more towards future plans. Dave and Steve discussed the idea of future events, which was of course of great interest to everyone in the room.

Dawn, Dana, and I discussed the possibility with Dave, Tim, and Robyn (who were staying the two rooms) of getting back in one of the rooms for an hour or so. Robyn was definitely game for continuing in her room, so we planned to go down there after talking with Dave and Steve. Steve stayed up with us until around 2AM or so, before he said his quiet farewell. That was the last I saw of Steve for the weekend.

Once Steve went to bed, Dawn, Dana, and I decided to check with Robyn about the possible investigation. Paula asked if she could come along, which would have been a great opportunity to get some pointers and practical advice. Once we got down to the room, however, Robyn was working with the woman who recorded the “help me” EVP, trying to clean up the audio. So we sat and discussed the pros and cons of EVP. Paula brought up some general but relevant technical points about how psychology and technology can combine in what seems like strong evidence. It’s a very valid point, and one that is essential to consider when analyzing the data.

By about 2:30AM, we realized that further investigation wasn’t in the cards, but Dave, Tim, and Paula wanted to get a bite to eat. Dawn, Dana, and I were invited along, and in the lobby, we ran into Tracy from NC. So we all went back to the diner from the night before, which was incredibly packed with the last-call crowd. With so little quality sleep and being wired for hours wearing on our nerves, it was a little hectic. But the most terrifying moment of the weekend was yet to come.

Mancakes

It all started so innocently. We were discussing how great the weekend had been, and whenever I thought Paula wasn’t paying attention, I would comment to Dana and Robyn on how very surreal it was to be hanging out like we were all just regular people. Paula’s on TV and super-smart, Dave and Tim are on radio…and then there’s the “civilians”. But no one was putting on airs or acting above anyone else. To go from the starstruck feeling of 24 hours earlier to this feeling of genuine “friendship” was perhaps the best aspect of the weekend.

Conversation turned to such heady intellectual topics as the stupidity of putting wrestling on the Sci-Fi Channel, and how it might work out if they made people fight while dressed as Godzilla and Mothra. After much reflection, I still had no idea why Tracy from NC looked so familiar (and I still don’t, which makes me think it’s an actress or something).

Tim gamely ordered what I believe was one of the breakfast specials. It sounded like a small open-top apple pie when described; I really don’t remember what it was supposed to be (remember, not a big food fan; I don’t even touch food if I can help it). But what arrived was something unseen since the days giants walked the earth. It looked like someone had taken a tree’s worth of apples and piled it onto a thick 12-inch pizza crust, then cooked it just a little too long. Everyone at the table (most especially Tim) stared in disbelief. Paula, the dedicated paranormal researcher, thus used to the unusual and harrowing, had the presence of mind to identify the apple-laden steering wheel for what it was:

“That’s not a pancake…that’s a MANCAKE!!”

The next five minutes was a mixture of very manly slap-happy giggling (manly, I tell you!) and the sound of several people trying not to choke on food and drink. It all went downhill from there. Before long, Dave was declaring that the next broadcast of Darkness on the Edge of Town would be hosted by PJ Mancakes (Dave) and Batter Boy (Tim). This induced another round of hilarity, which pretty much set the tone for the rest of the night.

Other highlights for me include: a discussion from Paula on how often cops seem to show up wherever she goes, whether exhausted hopping counts as “flailing with purpose” or Bostonian ritual, if arms are not involved, and the inevitable round of hugs when we finally made it back to the third floor. It was 4AM, and the weekend was swiftly drawing to a close.

The Morning After

I stirred from bed around 10AM again, though I got very little sleep. I downloaded my audio files while in the shower and by 11AM, everything but my laptop was in the car, ready for the return trip to NJ. I decided to take some time to review the audio files from the basement hallway and room, just to see if there was anything to share before leaving back to the “real world”.

I was a little surprised to get a few “hits”, especially since there was no evidence of anything too unusual during the time that the audio was taken. While later analysis would produce three interesting examples for consideration, one of them was easy enough to find that I could share it with Paula, Dave, Tracy, and Dawn. All were relatively non-committal, which matched my own reaction. But more on that in the podcast.

To my surprise, as we were sitting and talking, Carl stopped by to hang out with everyone. It was one last piece of evidence that they were all intent on connecting with the fans as much as possible. I stuck around until around 12:30PM, shortly after Paula left (lugging this huge bag that probably weighed as much as she does soaking wet). I made sure to say goodbye to Dave, Tim, Robyn, and Dawn, and then I was on my way out of Rhode Island.

A Personal Epiphany

It started shortly after leaving Warwick, as I was listening to yet another podcast (this time, Ron Moore’s podcast for Battlestar: Galactica, which is always fun and revealing). It struck me how unusual the past two days had been, and how it had placed some things into perspective. I was surprised at how the TAPS members approached the fans with a sincere humility, but it never occurred to me until the second night how the fans force them into the role of celebrities and put up that barrier.

Yet these are people who, in many cases, lived lives similar to our own not so long ago, and if they remember that, why shouldn’t we? And more importantly, why treat them as anything other than a normal person? OK, it’s not easy, and there are limits, but it’s all about respect, not awe. The next time I meet them, I need to remember that they’re regular people who are just as happy to meet a new friend or acquaintance as the rest of us.

Seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet that’s not the simplest and most profound realization that I had in the 24 hours after leaving Warwick. I also realized that if they were capable of doing these things, then why couldn’t I do them? Not get on TV, because frankly, that’s not the point. It’s about realizing what you have a passion for and doing it, despite the obstacles and inconveniences.

I’ve been talking about joining a group like TAPS for years. Literally since around 1998, when I made some initial contacts with local groups. I was always worried about how I would be perceived or whether or not I could go through with it. Whatever happened to the young man that used to run into the darkness with little more than bravado at the slightest hint of something unusual staring him in the face? What happened to the young man that sat in a room in a house of someone he barely knew, because he was the only one willing to see if something would happen that night? Well, he got older and lost his way.

It’s not just about “ghost hunting”. It’s the same way with my writing. I’ve been talking about writing a novel since 1996. I’ve stopped and started more times than I can count, and I always find a reason not to take the chance and simply do it. Some people accused me of using fan fiction as an excuse to write without consequence, and in a way, that’s not far from the mark. I should be writing, and damn it, it’s time I did it.

I look back at the long path that brought me here. The best moments in my life came when I set aside fears of failure and simply did what I was inspired to do. I never had the courage to simply walk up to a girl in high school, yet that’s exactly how I met my wife. I avoided going online to express my opinions for years, but once I did, I found a following that has only grown. I hold back from strong relationships with my online friends because of a fear of rejection, but don’t they already know who I am and what I’m about? I almost didn’t sign up for the weekend with TAPS because I was afraid of being seen as overly obsessive. But it was one of the best experiences in years.

I talk the talk well enough, but it’s time to walk the walk. People will look at me funny, sure, but they already do, so why worry about it? Or to put it a different way: how old will I be a year from now if I don’t pursue my dreams?

It’s about fear. Not fear of anything substantial, but fear of being rejected or judged as unworthy. And I’ve let that drive me into reacting instead of acting. I recently received a postcard with a short quote from a writer I truly respect and honor to this day. The quote read: “Never surrender dreams.” Well, it’s time to dream again. No more hesitations, no doubts. Time to stop being afraid of shadows.

It’s a simple goal. Not only do I want to attend another event like this, but I promise to myself that I will. I will meet Dave and the gang again, I will meet the members of TAPS again, and when it happens, I will have a story to tell. Maybe they’ll know it already, maybe they won’t. But we’ll sit down as fellow human beings with a passion and tell our stories.

First and foremost, no more watching others do what I want to do while I talk about how great it is they’re doing it. Will I write the reviews and support TAPS? As much if not more than I have to date. But I’m also joining and group and walking the walk. I’ll have more details when things are official, but it’s something that should be resolved within days, not months.

Second, I will begin working on the novel. I will comment on my progress. And when I come back around, I want it ready to publish. Similarly, I will stop wondering if there are opportunities to write professionally and actively look for them. Everyone keeps telling me I’m a great writer; time to put it to the test. I’ll take my licks and get harsh rejections, and maybe I’ll end up discovering that some dreams weren’t the right ones to pursue. But at least I won’t be regretting never having taken the chance.

All of which probably sounds pretty obvious to most people out there, but it’s amazing how we fall into patterns. I’ve done enough so far to demonstrate some potential to do more and go farther. It took me a long time to get the resources I have now, and I should give them purpose. In a few weeks, I’ll be 33 years old. So what will I have done by the time I’m 34?

So that’s what this weekend came to represent for me. Not bad for 48 hours as a stranger in a strange land, hmm?




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